the Aftermath

The days following Emma's birth are still at times blurry to me.

I felt like I was living in a daze. Most of the time, I still feel this way. It's like you are watching your life on television.

Shock, I just would sit there in shock. It all happened so fast. And then as if loosing your little baby is not enough, you have to plan her funeral.

It is so hard to sit there and see little flags mark out the grave site of your angel, even harder to have the last memory of your baby in a casket.

As you plan for the funeral there are so many things to do. I am glad I had support during this time because honestly it took all my energy to even be able to walk.

To sit there and discuss how you want you daughter's obituary written is not something I ever planned I would do.

Emma's funeral came out very beautiful and we had a dove and balloon release at the cemetery. I can see myself sitting there still thinking, "What if I just pick up her casket and run away with it, then I can hold her forever."

I did not, but I did give it a kiss and say good-bye. 

And on top of all of the emotional distressing you are experiencing, a woman must still go through all of the physical aspects. Apparently, it isn't enough torment to loose your child so mother nature throws in the bleeding, sore and almost lactating breasts. Like hey thank you for reminding me that I don't get to feed and take care of baby just in case I would forget.

Just two short weeks after I gave birth to Emma, I had to go in for my ob/gyn appointment. Now this is a lovely story. 

So, I arrive at the office and what do I get to be surround by? Lots of happy pregnant women. Fan-freaking-tastic. I remember just sitting in the corner and tears running down my face. Listening to all of them talk to each other. And I felt like I had to be so silent. When someone is physically injured with say a broken bone, people see that and recognize the pain. But, no one could see me sit there so empty without my daughter in agony getting to see them all so happy. And after about 30 minutes I was finally called to the back where I got to see a million and one happy new born baby pictures through the hallways of parents at the hospital after their child was delivered. I got to go into a room with a big picture of a pregnant woman hanging on the while. I just wanted to say thank you for that. Thank you for reminding me of all the joy I won't ever be able to share with my daughter and throw it right in my face. And then to be questioned about why I feel life has no purpose? I just lost my daughter two weeks ago. I wonder why I feel like life has no purpose?

It is my honest opinion that no woman who just lost her child should have to face that or go through that. It is hard enough already with out the constant reminders.