Maybe it is just because it is almost my due date or maybe it isn't for a specific reason at all. But, I feel more lost than I ever felt before.
I feel like my life has spun completely out of control. I just don't understand how I got here.
I just want it to all be over... all of it. All of the pain, all of the hurting, all of the anger, all of the emptiness.
I want to be gone...not with a desire to be somewhere greater. Just to not be at all.
I am so angry. I am so angry that I don't get to have my daughter and that I don't get to watch her grow up.
I am so angry that every day I have to be passed by expectant mothers and see newborns.
I just want to scream. SO LOUD. I am so tired of this. Isn't it enough that I had to loose my baby girl. Isn't it enough that I had to go through labor? Isn't it enough that I have to live with that fact that I will never hold her again or watch her grow up. Isn't that all enough? I feel like the world just gets to shove it in my face every damn place I go.
And you know what? Three months later it still hurts like hell. Three months later, I still can't sleep at night. Three months later, I still ask why things had to turn out like this for us. Am I meant to be miserable my whole life?
And then people will say blah blah blah... You have to choose to live. Well guess what right now I'm not. And that is okay. Because I am hurting and I have every right to hurt and be angry. I have every right.
No one can see how dead I feel inside. And every time I have to see women with there babies or women getting ready to have their babies, its like another smack in the face. Hey, Look what you don't get! As if I didn't know what I had lost already.
If someone breaks their ankle, you don't kick them in it everyday because everyone knows they are hurt. But, this... This is so much worse. I don't get any visible scars. So the world doesn't know I'm dying inside. But I am.
I wish those things didn't have to be so visible to me on a daily basis. I wish they didn't have to follow me around. I just wanted to have my little girl and be happy with her. I don't want anything else. And yes I am so angry right now that I don't get to have her. It hurts me so much. And I just want all of the reminders to go away. I just want to go away.
And in no way am I saying that my daughter was not worth every moment of all of this pain. Because she sure is. And I would do this again for her, if I had to. It just really hurts my heart a lot that she is gone.
Ther are many people that are here to help you. We hurt with you more than you understand. Please stay strong!!!!! MOM
ReplyDeleteThis is absolutely true that it isnt fair that while you dud it all right and the end still came out this way. I soare you the reading of the obligatory you did nothing wrong and that such because it has been done and you understand that.
ReplyDeleteI will adress the reminders. Those sound like they suck. The problems I ha e withmy kids are nothing when comoared to your problems. You ha e every right to be upset.... damn right! If people tell you otherwise then you know that is a person you may look at squarely in the face and inform them that it isn't tamaras fault she is snarter than you. Tee hee. Forget the morons and focus on us, your family that wants to feel your paib fir you and take it away and forrce it onto us instead of you. I would do that and I know I am not the only ine who would. I love you and hope that if anything I want for you to hurt when it hurts and remember life when it doesnt hurt. When ever that is.
Call me any time. Call kathi equally as much, just remember if you think that you might try something you'll regret, call me first for my opinion on said thing.
Above all remember that you are loved. By me at the least!
You never forget those feelings, trust me....and it will always hurt. Plus those feelings of being angry when you see someone that is having a baby - those seem to linger too. I will promise you this...you will only heal in YOUR own time. And whatever you need to do to get through it is exactly the right way for YOU! No one can tell you or help you make it better or less hurtful- and lets face it....it's the worse possible thing you could go through. I am further down the "time" line from you and I can close my eyes and remember feeling the exact anger and moments and pain you are feeling at such a magnified level that you could just die. I cannot promise that the feelings will fade or even get easier, but it does seem that you focus more on the blessing of an angel and the hopes to see her again one day makes your heart smile. It's that I have a daughter in heaven waiting on me to get there and I know getting there will be that much sweeter for me because my angel is there too! I hope for you love and strength!!!
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